The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Randomize
