I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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