Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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