We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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