Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
