Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
