I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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