I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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