you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
