The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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