I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
