cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
