Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
