Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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