your parents love me but you hate me
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
