well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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