hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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