1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
