census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
