And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
It's rum buckets o'clock
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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