My sheets look like a crime scene.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
my poor anus
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
