My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
