Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
