Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
