I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i was born a porn star she said
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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