That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
How does one acquire holy water?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
