Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
It's never too late to be topless.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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