Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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