Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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