fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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