We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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