Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think your dad took our porno
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
