Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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