Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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