I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
