Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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