At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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