I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
