I faked an abortion last night.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I could fuck to npr.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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