people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
