I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
