Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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