I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
