I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
