I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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