Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I still have a little drunk in my system
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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