K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
There's always time for handjobs
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
