I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
