Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
