Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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