so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
